The Soul of Success Vol. 10 • March 17, 2006Welcome to The Soul of Success On-Line Community for Women!The purpose of this e-newsletter is to share ideas on living life more fully, comfortably, and peacefully. Today’s topic is The Power of Women’s Friendships. A huge thank you to one of our readers who sent in a question about this important topic for women. Her question is so essential for women that I decided to devote this issue of our e-newsletter to it. I’ll be sending Sylvia a copy of Diamonds, Pearls & Stones: Jewels of Wisdom for Young Women from Extraordinary Women of the World to express all of our thanks. Let’s start with her question. Is it Okay to Spend Time with Women Friends?Sylvia writes: When I ask my husband for some time off from "family life,” he gets upset. His response is, “Why do you need time off?” Is this pretty common among married couples? I give him time off--he goes to have a couple of beers with his male friends after work every once in awhile. All I am asking is to go out once a month with my female friends and have some fun, laugh and talk about whatever. I have even made a recommendation for my friends to come over to our house and have some cheers & fun. This is not acceptable. Sylvia asked for feedback from other women on how to deal with this situation. I interviewed two female counselors, a male psychiatrist, and several other women, all of whom have a lot of experience and study regarding relationships, so we could explore a variety of thoughts on the subject. Here’s what the professionals had to say. Professionals SpeakB.H., female LISW, says: “With couples, how much time together and apart is a classic question. Turn about is fair play. I think this woman could easily become miserable if she weren't allowed some free time to socialize with “the girls.” Women process issues by talking to other women. I would think her husband would welcome her connections with other women, as it would save him from having to listen to her thoughts and feelings so much. Men typically get overwhelmed by all of women's feeling-type talk.” She also added that you may want to talk to a therapist—your situation may be more complicated than we’re able to know with this limited communication. From male psychiatrist J.B. comes this answer: “Even if two people in relationship love each other very much, it's still important for each to have some personal time away from each other. Especially with a full-time job and kids to look after, there has to be time to re-fuel. Without time to "chill,” stress can build up and can lead to mental, emotional or physical problems. When a person feels stressed, he or she is not able to give fully of him or her self, and this will inevitably lead to relationship problems. “The expression ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ is really a truth. When two people are always together without a break for personal fun, they won't appreciate each other as much, and will be more likely to get on each other’s nerves. If one person in the relationship is possessive and won't let the other have some personal space, this often will breed resentment, because no one likes to be controlled and mistrusted by another, even a loved one. So, for the health of the relationship, some free time is an important ingredient.” Finally, J.S., a female spiritual counselor, pointed out that while being a mom is a 24-hour-a-day job on the spiritual level, at the same time “…having time to yourself is crucial for your well-being. It is a matter of being clear about your intention. It sounds like your husband thinks you are trying to run away when you need space, and he feels abandoned. It is important to ask him why he feels so afraid to let you go. “However, in the end you need to realize you don’t require his permission. Tell him you are going and just make the plans and follow through on them. If he simply is a control freak and won’t let you out of his sight, there may be some serious work to do on this front. It is especially a red flag that he doesn’t want your friends over the house.” Other Women Share Their ThoughtsOther women echoed these themes. S.B. also pointed out that Sylvia needs to be clear about why she wants to spend time with her friends, then tell her husband. “If he doesn’t want her to have what she needs, then she should really think about why she’s with that man.” S.H., had this reaction: “I would have some concern for the relationship as a whole if there’s such an intense level of restriction. It might be a good idea to get some professional help, because it feels so unhealthy. There seems to be something abnormal about his fear, especially when he doesn’t allow women to come over. If he goes that far, a red light goes off. What is he afraid of? What is being threatened? You’re in your own home.” B.H. pointed out, “The most inspirational thing you can do for your children is find happiness in yourself, and to do that, every woman needs a balance for the constant focus on work and family.” She also said that it’s common for men to be threatened when women get together, because their power becomes magnified in a group. “They can’t understand it or control it. Spending time with other women is, of course, not a warning that something uncontrollable is going to happen, but in doing this, she’ll start tapping into a resource of energy and empowerment she may not know she even has.” Science Confirms What We Already KnowWhile we intuitively know we need other women in our lives, the scientific evidence explaining why is marvelous! An article by Gale Berkowitz described the results of several studies on friendship among women. I find the following excerpts* from this article fascinating and important: A landmark UCLA study** suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. Friends are also helping us live better. The Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight! The article also pointed out that “Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.” *Excerpted within fair use copyright standards.
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Quote of the Week“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever your are, you need one.”
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