The Soul of Success Vol. 4 • October 13, 2005

Welcome to The Soul of Success On-Line Community for Women!

I’m so glad you’ve joined us for this issue of The Soul of Success e-newsletter on The Power of Honesty! You’ll notice a new section in this issue called “Ask Jennifer”—a wonderful way for us to talk with each other.

In this Newsletter:

• Ask Jennifer
• Feature Article: “The Power of Honesty”
• Today’s Tip
• Readers Share (formerly Q&A)
• Next Issue: “The Power of Intuition”
• Contact Us

Ask Jennifer

One of the women I spoke with last week on a business trip to St. Croix asked me for insights about her relationship with her 17-year-old son, whom she described as uncommunicative. Going through a painful divorce, she feels concerned that she may have only a few more months before her son takes off forever. Here’s what I shared with her about my experience with my own son when he was about that age.

Whenever I asked my teenaged son to tell me what he had done at school that day, he would typically respond with “Nothing.” One day I told him that the real reason I asked was that I really cared about what was going on in his life, and that I also wanted to be able to tell him about my life as well. I asked if I could share with him what had happened to me that day. Surprised, he said, “Sure!” That opened him up to then tell me about himself. It was always a two-way street after that, and a sharing we always enjoyed.

Another thing that worked really well for us was this. As a parent, I wanted to know as much as possible where my kids were and what they were doing. As my son got older, he often resented it (of course), and one day asked me angrily why I always had to know where he was. I told him that’s how we take care of each another, and that I wanted to know that he cared about me in the same way. I asked him if he would pay attention to where I said I was going to be, and to check on me if I didn’t show up when and where I said I’d be. After that, he often called to check up on me, and still checks in regularly now, even as a college senior.

Do you have a question for Jennifer? Send an e-mail to: jennifer@jenniferhawthorne.com with “Question for Jennifer” in the subject line.

Feature Article: The Power of Honesty
by Jennifer Read Hawthorne

If you’re like me, you probably think of yourself as an honest person. I don’t steal, so I’m honest, right?

But so often, our greatest challenge in being honest is not with other people—but with OURSELVES. We say “yes” when we mean “no,” we take on projects that keep us up late and deprive us of badly needed rest, and often we are so busy taking care of others that we don’t have a clue how we ourselves are feeling.

Not being honest can mean that we stay in an unhealthy relationship too long, or work at a job that really doesn’t nourish us and leaves us exhausted and unfulfilled. We may even injure our health because we’re overextending ourselves trying to please others.

The bottom line: we can actually damage our lives when we are not honest.

Real honesty is refreshing, it’s uplifting, and it can change your life by empowering you in every decision you make.

Let me share with you the story of Jacqui Vines, one of the remarkable women I had the great fortune to interview for my book The Soul of Success: A Woman’s Guide to Authentic Power. Jacqui is VP and GM of Cox Communications in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She runs a $150 million company with 550 employees. But when she first arrived in March 2000, she had a lot to prove—not only because she was a woman, but an African-American woman.

Jacqui’s background had made her very strong. Jacqui grew up in foster homes and group homes in the Northeast, sometimes with white foster parents, sometimes black. By the age of 14 she had become a ward of the state of Connecticut, sometimes attending all black high schools and all white high schools. She developed a real self-awareness at an early age.

At Cox, Jacqui felt she was living the life she was meant to live. Working in a highly polarized environment between blacks and whites, she felt that she was living her purpose and that she had become everything she could in terms of success. She was completely committed to the life of a single, high-powered businesswoman.

But in September of 2001, Jacqui went to Atlanta where she was to give a career-defining budget presentation at the Cox headquarters. It turned out to be a life-defining moment.

Because when she walked into the conference room the morning of September 11, she found a group of people huddled around a television set—and arrived just in time to see the second plane hit the second twin tower in New York City.

Simultaneously, almost everyone in the room got up to go and call someone or receive a call on their cell phone. But Jacqui sat there, realizing she had no one to call. For the first time in 42 years. she realized that all the “successes” she’d had up to that point meant nothing—because there was no one to call. She could no longer see any reason for the legacy she was creating. And Jacqui said, “I had to become painfully honest to accept the fact that I had a major gap my life and had not even had a clue it was there. I had been looking at my life through a lens in order to be okay with what I was doing.”

When Jacqui became ruthlessly honest with herself, an opening occurred in her life for something different to be created. In fact, soon after 9/11, her niece, who needed help, came to stay with her. She brought her small daughter with her, and it turned out, she was also pregnant with her second daughter. The one month that Jacqui normally allowed family members to stay turned into many months, and over time, two things became clear: Jacqui was a natural mom, and her young niece still needed help.

Jacqui has since taken over the raising of the two girls, and says she has never been happier. While it’s difficult to run a corporation and raise children, she feels that they have given her a greater sense of balance than she’s ever had. My favorite line of hers: “It is a humbling experience to know that I can run a $150-million company but I cannot get a two-year-old to eat her broccoli!”

This is the power of honesty. Jacqui says it has added a whole new understanding to what she calls success: that achievement is only complete when the heart is full.

Adapted from The Soul of Success: A Woman’s Guide to Authentic Power, Health Communications, Inc., copyright 2005 Jennifer Read Hawthorne.

Today’s Tip

Is there some area of your life that feels out of balance or unfulfilled? Perhaps it would be a good idea to take a deeper look and ask yourself whether you’re really being honest. Only when we’re honest can we really live in alignment with our deepest values and discover true balance.

Readers Share (formerly Q&A)

Last issue’s question: What ways have you found to say “I love you” to yourself?

Sylvia Sanchez wrote to say she had shared the article on self-love with her 12-year-old daughter, Alexis. They laughed, remembering that the previous week at one of her basketball practices, her coach overheard her saying, “I love you, Alexis—you made five free-throws!” When her coach asked if she had heard her correctly, she said, “Yes, my mom tells me that I have to say ‘I love you, Alexis.’ It keeps my heart and soul going.”

The “I love you” started four years ago when they were both sitting in the hospital while Sylvia’s father was undergoing neck surgery. Sylvia said to her, “You know, we never say ‘I love you’ to ourselves, do we? When was the last time you told Alexis that you loved her?”

She started laughing and told me that was the funniest and silliest thing she’d ever heard. I said, “No, it is not funny or silly. Honestly, when do people take time to say ‘I love you’ to themselves? Alexis said she had never thought about it, but added, “It sounds pretty neat, Mom!” From that day on, we began saying ‘I love you” to ourselves.

I tell myself, “I love you Sylvia—you are the greatest,” every time I am working on a project and get it completed or close to completion.
I also say “I love you” when I have had one of those days when it seemed like everyone was in crisis mode. I say it when I am getting ready to sit in front of the Board of Directors and face some budget and financial discussions. It is all worthwhile and very relaxing for me.

Thanks, Sylvia and Alexis!

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I also received this e-mail from Terri Amos, spiritual coach, inspirational speaker and former Miss USA, who told me about the new book she's working on, The Enlightened Mom: A Mother's Guide for Bringing Peace, Love and Light to Her Family's Life. She is teaching this work in seminars in Destin, Florida, and shared this story:

I am teaching the spiritual tools that I learned to help me create a connection to God, where true love sits, so that I could be an example for my family...Most moms live in self-denial, and as a result, give that example to their families to do the same, especially their kids when they grow up. Moms think they're doing the loving thing, when in fact they are setting an example of separation, frustration, anger and pain. I'm being guided to help them flip the switch on what real unconditional love is.

I'm teaching the same information in my Enlightened Mom class here in Destin, FL. It is absolutely wonderful to see the ladies shift. Their whole families are shifting! One of my students didn't think she'd be able to come to the class yesterday due to a sick kid. She's been making tremendous shifts just in the last few weeks in how she's relating to her hubby and kids. Her husband noticed the changes so much that he actually came to her yesterday and, without her asking, offered to miss work so she could attend the class. She said that he had never ever made such an offer before. She's standing in her truth to be a more loving person and, guess what, it's helping her hubby step up and be a more involved dad. Yeah!

Thank you, Terri!

Next Question for Readers: Have you ever effected a major change in your life for the better by becoming honest about something—even if it was painful?

Send your 100-word answer to: jennifer@jenniferhawthorne.com. with “Story for Jennifer” in the subject line. I’ll share and discuss your answers in the next e-newsletter.

Next Issue: The Power of Intuition

What do you think of when you hear the word “intuition”? A thought that flashes through your mind? An inner voice? Maybe it’s a felt sense oabout something—like the proverbial “sixth sense.” Or maybe it’s not so subtle—like a loud message from your body telling you something you need to know.

Join me in our next issue as we talk about intuition, how to develop it, and how listening to it can make life better.

Contact Us

Your feedback is always greatly appreciated. Please e-mail us at info@jenniferhawthorne.com

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